Blog From Muse Oracle Press Author Leanne MacDonald.
Her book ‘A Liberation - Activate A New Beginning With Human Design’ coming soon!
First of all - Happy Valentines Day - You are every lovely word I know!
OK now let’s dig in to today’s ‘Leanne has an opinion on this’ message.
Some big goals I see people striving for right now are all rooted in one fundamental thing.
I want more money
I want more fame
I want more recognition
I want more love
I want beauty
I want more freedom
I want more - (fill in the blank)
They all represent a level of self-abandonment.
They are revealing to you the real reason why you feel unfulfilled in life, and they look positive, yes, but desires like the above are all rooted in trying to resolve an aspect of ourselves we believe to be flawed.
You can immediately identify the perceived flaw by rewording the above to the below:
If I had more money it would mean I was no longer ………
If I had more fame it would mean I was no longer ………….
If I had more recognition it would mean I was no longer ……..
If I had more love it would mean I was no longer ……….
If I had more beauty it would mean I was no longer ………..
If I had more freedom it would mean I was no longer ………..
The next few days are perfect for tapping into your actual soul’s desires, as the sun is transiting through gate 30 in Human Design.
You will likely be feeling the urge and certainly more awareness around what it is that you want from life, you may have even caught yourself asking ‘What is the point in all of this?’
But be mindful of where your mind takes you on contemplation of that.
Self-abandonment looks like the identity our mind created in childhood to keep us safe.
It looks like ‘Oh I am too loud and people don’ t like it’ which translates in the mind as ‘you are not safe being your authentic loud self because you are being rejected from your tribe and you need them to survive in life’ - so you think ‘I must become hyper vigilant on everyone in the room and people please or else I am going to be rejected and not survive life’
It sounds ridiculous, but that’s how the mind works, it is scanning life to assess risk and danger, and things like not being loved, not being accepted, and not being liked are all perceived as a threat to life.
So we learn to adapt.
We withhold.
We minimise.
We shrink
All in the name of survival.
Our most authentic selves get slowly erased, and are replaced with an identity that does not feel like home, feels conflicting, feels less than, and feels like we are on an invisible quest to get to a ‘better’ version that will finally feel good again….. Our soul knows we are not showing up as our authentic selves and feels confused, sending us signals and feelings to try and help us course correct.
But we are not immediately available to translate those signals so instead we misunderstand those urges as yearnings to be better and we look outward, if I had more money I would feel better about myself, if I had more fame I will stop feeling so unworthy, if I had more freedom I would feel less like I am walking around life in someone’s borrowed shoes that are three sizes too small.
Your true and most unapologetic self is limitless and magnetic. Which I realise as I type sounds like an absolute cliche, BUT its true.
If you are striving in life to be better, do better, feel better - then you are operating through the lens of a false sense of self and this is the reason why life feels like walking through treacle.
For me personally my journal of moving from self-abandonment to self-trust was lived out in relationships.
I cannot pinpoint the exact moment that I felt like a freak and was happy to just be invited, I am sure it has something to do with a school yard incident involving name calling of my ginger hair - but I operated for DECADES through that identity, which resulted in me being treat like the lowest of the low in relationships.
Emotional abuse.
Coercive behaviour.
Left to take on the responsibility of everything.
I was pushed into my masculine energy so far that I became a hyper independent, exhausted, and closed off version of myself.
I couldn’t receive support / money / love even if I lay on the grass in my front garden and shouted I am ready to receive for six hours.
My identity would not allow it, instead I struggled, took the scraps that life tossed my way, bare minimum, and smiled with gratitude through it all.
Thank God I got something right??? With me being such a freak, I was LUCKY.
I mean - who even was that version of me, I am so the extreme opposite now it is sometimes incomprehensible for me to reflect upon that and be able to resonate whatsoever with that version.
But it happened.
It was who I was for years, I sacrificed myself to the point of erasure, I paid for friends’ rent with my own rent money just to be accepted, even though it risked the roof over my own head.
I allowed myself to be neglected and disrespected and brushed it off as ‘nothing;
I remember one time, heavily pregnant, and with our heating boiler on the blink and no hot water, I boiled pans of water and carried them back and forth from the kitchen to the bathroom at least 40 times to fill up a bath for someone who wouldn’t piss on me if I were on fire.
And while I lived this version of myself my goals looked like the above, if I had more money then things would be better, I would feel better, I would feel worthy, I would be able to stop the self loathing…. If I could create a successful online business then that would be it, or if I could just be prettier or more desirable then maybe I would be less neglected.
I would feel insanely jealous of women who I felt were better than me. Because it was so painful to consider myself as not enough and not worthy.
The crazy thing is, all of the above, and I could write a whole book about examples of personal self-abandonment (maybe I will) was created because as a child I decided it was safer to be a people pleaser than to be unapologetic.
The answer was not to make more money or be more famous, the answer was to return to myself and just be me, all of me.
Regardless of how people responded.
Regardless of how triggered my nervous system felt.
Regardless of how emotionally painful it felt at first.
I still get push back from people when I am being my authentic self, because we are not for everyone, but when that happens now I do not contract, I expand more.
Because the alternative is to go back to an old version of me that consumed my life for decades and left me feeling alone, sad, rejected, unfulfilled, and worthless - and it won’t happen again.
So may this serve as a reminder that right now, your most unapologetic self has way wilder desires than just to make 10K or have 100K followers, she is in fact rolling her eyes at those goals and desperate for you to just show up as your true self, warts and all, because there is way more adventure to be had from that place.
Tons of love,
L xx